Participation trophies are toxic
Participation trophies are toxic
What do Chinese, Jewish, and Indian cultures have in common? A parenting style that breeds success – and controversy
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Dear Unlearners,
My daily letters often have a cynical edge and are somewhat "toxic" in some people's eyes. It's because I've grown weary of the relentless positivity and inspiration movement. I also talked about this in some of my Notes.
When one of my first articles went viral, it ranked number 2 on Medium in its first week. The top post was a touching personal story about a war experience. Naturally, it deserved the top spot that week.
I shared this milestone with my teenage sister at that time. She sassily replied, "Oh, so you came second. What's the difference between second and last place?"
This high-expectation mindset is extremely common in Vietnamese families. It's prevalent in many Asian, Indian, and Jewish cultures, particularly in parenting. Amy Chua popularized "tiger parenting," a term introduced in her controversial 2011 book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother."
Chua argues that strict, demanding parenting produces exceptional children. She famously wrote, "What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it." This encapsulates the tiger parent approach: push through discomfort, work hard, and success (and enjoyment) will follow.
This parenting style isn't unique to Chinese families. It's common across cultures that place a high value on academic and professional success. Keith Rabois, one of the PayPal Mafias and a successful Jewish entrepreneur and investor, shared:
"The most obvious example is when you come home from class and you get an A- on a test, and they ask why you got an A-. The classic child response is 'well everyone got an A-' and my mom would say, 'Well, everyone in the class is not my child, so you're getting an A.' Those lessons compound, and suddenly you wake up and decide you're always going to get an A. That might translate to other things in life, but it brings out this competitive nature in you to never be less than the best."
Below is Keith Rabois’s kids curriculum at 2.
This approach is deeply rooted in cultural and historical contexts. In Vietnam, we grew up amidst endless wars and colonial rule. Unlike many Western countries, we didn't fund our lifestyle by exploiting others and stealing resources. We had to work and earn it, often while fighting for survival and freedom. After thousands of years, this created a culture of high expectations and resilience. Life is so hard, we've learned to survive. There is no safety net, other than ourselves.
This mindset isn't just limited to Asian cultures. In his book "Outliers," Malcolm Gladwell tells the story of KIPP (Knowledge Is Power Program) Academies. These schools primarily serve underprivileged students. They have adopted a rigorous, almost tiger parent-like approach to education.
At KIPP, students attend school from 7:25 AM to 5:00 PM on weekdays, plus every other Saturday. They have 2-3 hours of homework every night and continue studying through the summer. It's a grueling schedule that mirrors the intensity of tiger parenting.
The results were remarkable. While only 20% of low-income students nationally go to college, 84% of KIPP students make it there. This success comes from the schools' willingness to demand more of their students, much like tiger parents do.
Gladwell calls this "Marita's Bargain," named after a KIPP student. These kids trade their free time and take on a heavy workload in exchange for a shot at a better future. It's a bargain that many tiger parents implicitly make with their children: sacrifice now for success later.
We don't give out participation trophies. If you survive tiger parents' expectations and constant pressure to excel, you can survive anything.
This brutal honesty, while jarring to some, serves a purpose. It prepares us for life's harsh realities.
The trend of participation trophies and constant positive reinforcement, while well-intentioned, can be toxic in the long run. Here's why we need to stop sugarcoating things:
False sense of achievement: Participation trophies create an illusion of success without actual accomplishment.
Decreased motivation: When everyone gets a trophy, there's less incentive to strive for excellence.
Poor resilience: Constant praise for minimal effort doesn't build the resilience needed to handle failure and criticism in adult life.
Unrealistic expectations: Sugarcoating feedback can lead to inflated self-esteem, setting people up for disappointment.
However, there's good in bad and bad in good. Too much of anything, even honesty, can be detrimental. The key is balance:
Deliver honesty constructively. The goal is to help, not hurt.
Recognize effort and improvement, not just results. This encourages a growth mindset without creating false expectations.
Teach resilience by allowing people to face and learn from failure.
Understand that communication styles vary across cultures.
We all post those viral inspirational messages, but... are we going to be there to pick up the pieces when the real world crushes those we've misled with our well-meaning but unrealistic encouragement?
Real kindness isn't about constant praise or participation trophies. It's about preparing people for challenges, equipping them to handle criticism, and teaching them that failure is a stepping stone to success, not something to be avoided at all costs.
In the end, the goal isn't to be cruel. It's to strike a balance between encouragement and realism, between kindness and honesty. By doing so, we can build resilient, confident individuals truly prepared for the complexities of the real world.
Tiger parenting can be very toxic as well, but that's a topic for another long letter.
Until tomorrow.
Love,
Cammi
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Random thoughts about parenting
Modern Parenting: Why You Should Crush Your Children
“Unlike many Western countries, we didn't fund our lifestyle by exploiting others and stealing resources.”
The Khmer might have a different view. The Viets stole the Southern half of Vietnam from the Khmer and Cham peoples, pushing them off their land through conquest. Saigon was a Khmer fishing village.
History aside, good post. My wife and I struggle with the right balance of pushing our kids. We let piano lessons slide after months of trying to get our daughter to practice. Now we’re focused on supporting her to develop her comic drawings, a talent that emerged spontaneously.
We put them in private because public standards are far too low. Even private has caught the communist “differentiation is bad” mantra. The problem is education schools. We enrolled both in Russian Math to supplement. We may go homeschool.
School likes to tell kids they are all unique and all valuable because they are unique. We dropped the hammer on that immediately. Told them they are unique, sure, but only mom and dad care about that. The world doesn’t give a damn about their “uniqueness.” They must be valuable to have value in the world. Self esteem is built through achievement only, not praise.
Otoh, extreme tiger parenting can screw up kids pretty badly. We lived overseas and went to school with many Koreans. Holy cow, you ain’t never seen grind til you seen Korean grind. Whole nother level. Explains why Korea suicide rate very high. I think there’s a happy medium. To rqch his own.
Please hold me accountable for writing about: What is success, and How to survive
in summary, you are already successful if lesonns are learned instead of seeing them as failures. And cooperation, rather than competition, is a tactic not only for survival but for a purposeful life of enjoyment, which you can achieve (you only need to accept) any moment you so decide, no experience required...