I stopped being kind to everyone, it made my life better
What happens when you put yourself first for once
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Dear Unlearners,
Kindness without boundaries leads to burnout.
Selflessness without self-care leads to resentment.
Giving without reciprocation leads to emptiness.
Pleasing everyone leads to losing yourself.
Saying yes to everything means saying no to your own needs.
Putting others first always means putting yourself last.
Being nice to everyone often means being cruel to yourself.
I was born into a society deeply influenced by Confucian values. Selflessness is not just encouraged, it's expected.
We're taught that true virtue lies in putting others first: your family, your community, your country. For most of my life, I thought being kind and selfless in most situations was the right thing.
For most of my life, I was wrong. Big time.
Maybe you can relate. Perhaps you've been taught the same lessons, or you've found yourself constantly putting others before yourself.
Don't get me wrong, kindness is important. But there's a world of difference between being kind and being a doormat. It took me decades to figure that out.
The older I get, the more I realize most people suck.
Most people take.
Few people give.
Many drain you dry.
It's confusing. It's frustrating. It's enough to make you cry.
Being endlessly selfless is exhausting for anyone. It's like running a marathon where the finish line keeps moving further away. You give and give, thinking that somehow, someday, it'll all come back to you. But it doesn't. It rarely does.
I found myself bending over backwards for people who wouldn't even bend a finger for me.
I poured energy into one-sided relationships.
I sacrificed my well-being.
I reaped more misery than joy.
One day I asked myself, "What is the most important thing in my life?"
"Happiness," I answered.
So I decided to screw the world.
I'd focus on my happiness, and my happiness alone.
Life got better. Significantly.
Here's a revelation that might hit you too:
Not everyone deserves your best energy.
Some people will only take.
Others will drain you dry.
That's when you need to learn the art of energy matching.
Now, try approaching relationships with a different mindset.
Mirror the energy people bring.
Match the energy that people bring to your interactions.
If someone is genuinely caring and supportive, give them your full warmth and effort. If they're indifferent or negative, give them a polite but distant version of yourself.
It's not about being mean. It's about self-preservation.
People get exactly what they put in.
You'll no longer be exhausted from trying to be nice to everyone.
You'll have more energy for what truly matters.
And surprisingly, your relationships will improve.
People who genuinely care about you will appreciate your kindness regardless.
Those who don't? They probably won't even notice the difference.
And that's perfectly fine.
Be kind, but be smart.
Match energies.
Reserve your best for those who deserve it.
Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. It's not selfish to fill your own cup first. It's essential. That way, when you do give to others, it comes from a place of abundance, not depletion.
In the end, the most selfless thing you can do is take care of yourself. Because when you thrive, you have so much more to offer the world.
Until tomorrow,
Cammi.
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In my experience, those most deserving of compassion and kindness (not the same thing) are the ones least demanding it. On the other hand, some folks learn early Malcolm X's mantra, that "The squeaky hinge gets the grease", and use it endlessly. These folks WILL wear you out, and probably don't merit any help.
Generally, it's the quiet folks, too tired or too busy trying to make it on their own to fuss, that we should inquire about and try to lighten their load.