Dear Unlearners,
Happy New Year from Toronto!
I just got home from an hour walk in -16C after my yoga class. My face is still thawing. But there's something about starting the year half-frozen that feels right. Like a reset button you didn't ask for.
Iâve been thinking a lot about fresh starts lately. Not the typical ânew year, new meâ stuff. Something deeper.
Every January, we make resolutions about what we want to do differently. Go to the gym. Eat better. Save more money. But we rarely think about what we want to tolerate differently.
And thatâs the thing. The way people treat you isnât random. Itâs learned.
People learn how to treat you.
Not by what you say. Not by what you hope theyâll notice.
By what you let slide.
Every time you ignore a boundary violation, youâre giving a lesson. Every time you laugh something off, youâre setting a precedent. Every time you stay silent, youâre confirming the rules.
People arenât mind readers. Theyâre pattern readers.
They watch what you respond to. What you correct. What has consequences. What doesnât.
Then they adjust.
This isnât about blame. Itâs about responsibility.
If disrespect keeps showing up, itâs usually because it was allowed to. Not because you asked for it. But because it happened once, then twice, then enough times that it became normal.
Boundaries donât work because you explain them well. They work because theyâre enforced.
The hard part isnât stating them. Itâs tolerating the discomfort that comes with upholding them.
But once you stop teaching people that access to you is unconditional, the treatment changes.
So this year, maybe the resolution isnât about adding more. Itâs about accepting less.
Less explaining yourself to people who donât want to understand.
Less availability for people who only reach out when itâs convenient.
Less energy wondering why someone keeps crossing a line you never enforced.
The people who respect your boundaries were never the problem. Itâs the ones who push back when you finally set them. They tell you everything you need to know.
Hereâs to a year of teaching people exactly how we expect to be treated.
Until tomorrow,
Cammi
Please hit the â¤ď¸ âLikeâ button below if you enjoyed this post, it helps others find this article. If youâre a Substack writer and have been enjoying Daily Unlearner, consider adding it to your recommendations. Your support means the world.