Dear Unlearners,
Happy New Year from Toronto!
I just got home from an hour walk in -16C after my yoga class. My face is still thawing. But there's something about starting the year half-frozen that feels right. Like a reset button you didn't ask for.
I’ve been thinking a lot about fresh starts lately. Not the typical “new year, new me” stuff. Something deeper.
Every January, we make resolutions about what we want to do differently. Go to the gym. Eat better. Save more money. But we rarely think about what we want to tolerate differently.
And that’s the thing. The way people treat you isn’t random. It’s learned.
People learn how to treat you.
Not by what you say. Not by what you hope they’ll notice.
By what you let slide.
Every time you ignore a boundary violation, you’re giving a lesson. Every time you laugh something off, you’re setting a precedent. Every time you stay silent, you’re confirming the rules.
People aren’t mind readers. They’re pattern readers.
They watch what you respond to. What you correct. What has consequences. What doesn’t.
Then they adjust.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about responsibility.
If disrespect keeps showing up, it’s usually because it was allowed to. Not because you asked for it. But because it happened once, then twice, then enough times that it became normal.
Boundaries don’t work because you explain them well. They work because they’re enforced.
The hard part isn’t stating them. It’s tolerating the discomfort that comes with upholding them.
But once you stop teaching people that access to you is unconditional, the treatment changes.
So this year, maybe the resolution isn’t about adding more. It’s about accepting less.
Less explaining yourself to people who don’t want to understand.
Less availability for people who only reach out when it’s convenient.
Less energy wondering why someone keeps crossing a line you never enforced.
The people who respect your boundaries were never the problem. It’s the ones who push back when you finally set them. They tell you everything you need to know.
Here’s to a year of teaching people exactly how we expect to be treated.
Until tomorrow,
Cammi
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although my morning ruck is in 60 degrees where my unlearning and learning begins everyday, this deeply resonates ... here's to the path forward !